He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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