I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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