I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
