Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
