i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just puked most of my soul out..
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