the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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