I like to think it a success when the cops are called
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
