i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
