The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
