Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
