I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
