I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
