i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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