I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
