I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
