is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
