what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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