There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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