Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
