I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
