Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
