Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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