How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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