Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
