There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
