i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
