So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We need a shit load of segways right now
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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