i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
