I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
