i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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