You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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