I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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