shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
