I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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