pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
