I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
my liver is dry heaving
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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