I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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