Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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