true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
