I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
