After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
