My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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