Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
