Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
pop tarts are not kleenex
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize