apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
