Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
