then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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