omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
