we have officially lost it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
