i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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