The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
