Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
